*This is the story of my recent miscarriage. Recording my memories and feelings has helped me a lot in my healing process. I think it’s important to mention that this is only a portion of the full story. I’ve omitted many of the raw feelings and details involved. Miscarriage is a very traumatic experience, mentally and physically, and healing doesn’t come easily. The process of recording our experience has helped me cope. I share this story now for my own record, and to let our loved ones know how much we appreciate their love and support.
I’m not sure why I wanted a baby so badly so suddenly, but I knew I was pregnant right away. I took so many tests, and they all came back negative because I was testing way too early, but I just knew. And I was thrilled when I finally saw those two lines. They were faint, but they were there. I was pregnant.
Looking back now, I think I knew from the start that something was wrong. I just didn’t want to believe it. When I went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy, my urine test came back negative. My blood test showed that I was indeed pregnant, but my HCG levels were very low. Both odd, and not good signs. Nobody ever told me what that meant, or what to expect. I just did my own research and hoped for the best.
When my HCG levels hadn’t climbed as much as the doctor hoped they would, she ordered an ultrasound. That 6 week ultrasound showed a beautiful developing fetus, that was right where it should be. I saw the baby’s heart beat. It gave me hope. That ultrasound also showed two fluid sacs alongside the baby. Apparently this was cause for concern, because the doctor ordered another ultrasound at 7 weeks.
Again, I saw the baby’s heart beat. It looked more like a baby this time too. They said everything looked good, and the fluid sacs were getting smaller so there was nothing to worry about. I left the doctor’s office filled with hope once again.
Then I started noticing things that concerned me. About a week after this ultrasound, I started spotting. It wasn’t a lot, so I took it easy and it went away that same day. But then I noticed that I no longer needed to get up at night to go to the bathroom. Again, it concerned me, but I hoped it was just a little blessing.
When I reached 9 weeks pregnant, I got a bad cough. One night I was relaxing on the couch watching a movie and a coughing fit started up. I went to the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding. It looked like more than spotting, but not quite a period. I was worried, but wasn’t sure if it was a big deal so I contacted my midwife via email.
The next morning I woke up to blood in my underwear. I was definitely worried now. I called my midwife and described what I saw. She told me it could be a number of things, including miscarriage. She told me she would get me in for an ultrasound, and to call her back if there was any more blood. I was terrified.
More blood came. I called my midwife and she told me to go to the ER. After 4 hours of waiting and hoping but ultimately knowing, they informed me that the baby measured at only 8 weeks, and had no heartbeat. I was having a miscarriage.
The next few days were filled with tears, research, fear, anger, guilt, and depression. I researched what to expect when having a miscarriage, and what to expect while grieving. I decided I wanted to give our baby a name, and record the closest dates that we knew for the pregnancy.
We never got to know our baby’s gender, so we chose the name Charlie. Could be a nickname for Charles or short for Charlotte. And it’s the name that Kender liked best. Charlie passed away sometime in the week before October 19, 2017, so I ordered an October birthstone ring. An opal. I wanted something I can always have with me to remember and honor our baby.
It was hard to watch the future we planned come to a halt. It was hard to cross the baby items off our shopping list, and delete all the pregnancy apps from my phone. It’s hard every time I see a beautiful pregnant body, or a new mother with her sweet baby. It’s hard to walk through the baby isle at the store. It’s not hard because of resentment, but because of the longing for my own baby.
I know that there are a lot of reasons a miscarriage can happen, and most of them are beyond the control of the mother, but it’s still hard not to blame myself. If only I hadn’t taken Sambucol, or drank so many caffeinated sodas. If only I had exercised more and managed my stress better.
I think I spent most of my pregnancy in denial. Depression and guilt hit a day or two after the hospital visit. I’m not sure how long it will take for acceptance to come, but I hope that telling Charlie’s story is a step in the right direction. I don’t want to be sad forever. I want to have hope for the future. I want to have more children.
Even though I’m sad right now, I still know I have so much to be grateful for. I have two beautiful, healthy boys who bring so much joy into my life. I have my husband, who is my best friend and my rock, and the person who made me a wife and mother. They give my life purpose.
I’m grateful for all the love and support we’ve been shown by our friends and family. I’m grateful for everyone who took care of our boys when we were at the hospital, and for everything they’ve done for us since we’ve been home. I’m grateful for all the people who called and sent me texts to see if I was ok. I’m grateful for the women who shared with me their own stories and helped me know that I’m not alone. I’m grateful for the friends who brought me cookies and cried with me. You’ve helped bring me some peace. You’re the reason I know I’ll be ok.
I don’t know what God’s purpose was in letting this happen, but I’m not mad at Him. I always thought I would be if something like this happened, so I’m grateful that my faith is still in tact. I know that Charlie is mine forever, and that we will be together after this life. The waiting is hard, but I know it will be worth it.
We love you Charlie. God be with you till we meet again ♥