Facing My Demons

The past few months have been a nightmare for me. My beloved anxiety medicine that has been keeping me so well balanced for the past two years suddenly stopped working, and my anxiety built back up until I felt like I was driving myself and everyone around me insane. When the anxiety itself wasn’t giving me trouble, it was the resulting fatigue, or the fear of the panic attacks getting worse.

I went to my doctor for help.

He prescribed me an additional medication to add to my current one to help give it a boost. It helped a lot with the fatigue. I had a lot more energy than I usually do, but my resting heart rate also climbed and my panic attacks did indeed get worse. So now I’m back to square one. I’ve started seeing a counselor and I’m in the process of tapering off my old two medicines and starting a new one. I’ve heard good things about it, so I pray that it will bring me (and my family) some relief!
If there’s one thing that I can say I’ve learned throughout this whole annoying and traumatizing process it’s that I’m not alone. No matter how alone I feel, or how terrified I am of losing everyone I love and someday being alone, it’s just not true. My anxiety is centered around all of these lies that I’ve told myself over the years: You have to be perfect or no one will love you; Love isn’t unconditional; If you do or say something wrong then everyone will stop loving you; If you love someone, they will inevitably break your heart.

Apparently I’m a little insecure.

My counselor says that my anxiety comes from a genetic predisposition combined with certain life experiences that created the perfect storm for my anxiety to grow. I was comforted to hear that, because I’ve always felt like my feelings of anxiety were my own fault. I wouldn’t feel bad if I didn’t deserve it, right? There’s that flawed logic again.
With the help of modern medicine, my amazing counselor, my wonderful friends, my loving and supportive family, and my Heavenly Father I know that I will be able to find a good balance again. It doesn’t do me any good to hide my struggles and isolate myself, so here I am, sharing away.
This scripture has never rang more true to me. God gave me this anxiety, this weakness, so that I could become humble. He gave it to me to teach me, to give me experience, and to ultimately make me stronger.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. ~Ether 12:27

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Hey! I’m April, a homeschool mom with 2 little boys and a baby on the way. I write about family, faith, homeschool, creativity, and life in general.

6 thoughts on “Facing My Demons

  1. Love this, April. Thanks for sharing. I don't know if you know this, but there are quite a few of us in our family that deal with depression and anxiety to one degree or another. I've totally been down the spiral that you're describing. I hope that the changes you and your doctor are making help! I know it's so hard to be the person you want to be when there's so much turmoil inside.

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  2. I'm so glad you shared this! Even though we've been messaging about it, I had no clue how bad it had become. I'm so sorry. You are in the perfect family for challenges like this! We got each others backs, right? Especially since we all deal with this in some way. I'm also glad you shared your anxiety driven fears about being perfect and loved. My anxiety plays on 'all or nothing' fears and worse case scenario.I'm so glad you found a counselor who is helpful and i hope the new med helps. We love you! I couldn't imagine our family without you now.

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  3. Aww thanks Melissa! I couldn't imagine life without you guys either! It's so cool that our family has a built-in anxiety and depression support group. I never used to talk about it because I didn't want to admit that there was something wrong, but just being open about it and talking about it with you guys has helped so much!

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